Proudest Moment

After telling my parents my grades for the semester they said "you must be very proud." Yeah, my grades were okay and, considering about a year ago I wasn't even sure if this is what I wanted to do, the grades would probably be considered quite good. But when asked, or told rather, that I should be proud I wasn't. I mean granted, I wasn't upset with myself or disappointed or anything really. Just kind of apathetic. That bothers me sometimes, especially with regards to school. I remember in high school and early in college I used to be very proud of my grades, all the time really. Never really had a bad one in my life until organic chemistry. Then, in that class, I worked as hard as I possibly could and it still wasn't good enough-at least not for anything above a "C" either semester. So, I thought about it the other night, thought about my proudest moment. I swear I couldn't come up with anything. I couldn't really remember ever being that proud. I suppose I took a lot of pride in being able to pack up and leave Athens and pick a new city, learn the city, be able to find my way around. But still it wasn't really a proud moment, more like a series of moments. The only thing I could think of that I was proud of involved other people and never myself-I was proud of my brother when he played his first real gig, I'm proud of my other brother for having a better job than I ever had in high school, i'm proud of the art work of my youngest brother, I'm proud as hell of my friends that kicked law schools ass this semester, hell, i'm proud of DJ Shockley for waiting four years on the bench at Georgia when he could've started at 95 percent of D1 schools. For me though, can't think of anything.
On the other hand, I can think of a million moments that I'm not proud of. Not proud of the way breaking off my one really long term relationship went. Not proud of getting blackout drunk and turning into a complete tool, everything I hate, more than one time. Not proud of not hanging out with Tim all night the last time I was in Athens. Not proud of not being productive this break. Not proud of the way I've acted towards my parents in the past. Not proud of the shitty friend I've been to some people and for not making it out to see them this winter break. Seriously, I could write a fucking novel about my not proud moments and can't come up with ONE thing I'm proud of. Probably doesn't speak that highly for me, but hey.
My only hope is that pride is like poker. I can remember every really bad beat I've had in poker. I can remember the one at Foxwoods, the series of beats i took at some guys house i didn't even know, losing money to Tony every other night. I can remember all that but you really don't remember your victories in poker. Sure you remember a couple of nights where you made some good money, but never any singular victories. Maybe that's like my feeling of pride in my life. I'm not trying to say that I don't think I've lived a good life. Not trying to say I'm a bad person-I just can't remember any major events that I was just really proud of. College graduation, didn't go. High School Graduation, didn't shed a tear and I don't even really miss anybody. Law School grades, mediocre in my mind. Sports, well never really was a stud at sports. Never really been anyones hero that I can think of. Never ran into a burning building, never saved someone from a car accident. So who knows, maybe your winnings, the life you lead-maybe it's just an overall prospective. Maybe you don't have to remember every bit of good you've ever done. Maybe you don't have to remember any of it. Really wish I could forget some of the bad I've done. Suppose if that were the case we'd never learn our lesson now though would we. What's a better evaluation of your life, looking at the moments your most ashamed of or those that you're most proud of, or is it just a balance of both. I know this comes off as self-pitying or melodramatic or something and it's really not, just something I thought about. Kind of irritating, pride that is. It's so Emo.
Lyric
"Because the same place that filled me with joy is just a road I crossed."
Hem Leave Me Here