T-Shirt Style

You know, I get the whole clever t-shirt movement. I understand the Neighborhoodies movement. The get the clever sayings. Hell I own some Threadless t-shirts with some nifty designs. I don't think it's a bad look-wearing a band tee shirt under a courdoroy coat or a something. Band tee shirts have been around for years and will probably never really go out of style.

All that being said, there is one particular type of t-shirt that needs to go out of style. No one, at least not over the age of oh, say 16, should still be wearing t-shirts that identify them as something. "Retired Athlete", "Bitch", "Easy", "Princess", "Ladies Man", "Asshole"-shit like this is ridiculous. I was watching this terrible dating show on MTV called Next. So anyways, this kid on there is 23 years old and he's wearing a shirt that said "Retired Athlete." Is this shit really appropriate for a 23 year old to wear? I mean honestly, these t-shirts have this odd like pseudo irony. They are claiming to identify the person wearing the shirt as a "Bitch" or something like that when we really know this person isn't what is on the T-shirt. They aren't a bitch, they are just a person who has stooped to the lowest of the low in order to create some false identity. I mean it's pathetic, it's so pathetic. It kind of saddens me. Like do these people really think these t-shirts are funny? Or do girls think that when they wear one of these shirts guys are like "oh man, this girl is sassy, she might be a bit of an adventure." Or when a guy wears a "retired athlete" t-shirt, does he think that girls perceive him as having an ironic sense of humor. Is he witty? No, it's just completely fucking stupid.

So, I propose that we revolutionize the T-shirt business. We ban these simple phrase t-shirts and we require that these T-shirts say the truth. Some examples:

"Princess" will be completely overhauled. If you're a princess, we'll put that on the t-shirt. It will read something like this. "I was raised in the Hampton's on Long Island but refused to shop there. I required my mother, father or au pair to drive me to Fifth Avenue or SoHo on Friday's after I finished equestrian practice at my all white high school. Eventually I left the Hampton's for Yale, where I fucked every guy I came across and required them to drop hundreds of dollars on nights out in NYC despite the fact that they were on student loans and I had a credit card that drew straight from the interest from my trust fund. Afterall, I deserve this kind of treatment, because I'm a lady. I suck in bed, I don't work very hard in school, I drive a BMW. I drink wine, but not Yellowtale. I eat out, but not Applebees. I love to travel, but not by car, or really even domestically to be honest with you. My birthday celebration lasts eleven days."

"Retired Athlete" will be changed as well. Really, any t-shirt that involves the word athlete, or sport, or anything of that nature can be changed to the following: "I'm a frat boy. I have had a number of sexual encounters that, when I woke up, I questioned whether or not I would be charged with some sort of sexual assault or date rape or something. I really don't remember them that well. I wear my hair shaggy because, well I'm not really sure. Occasionally, I claim that the reason I let my hair get long is because I can't afford it because I need beer money. But really, this doesn't make much sense. My dad is a partner at a prestigious accounting firm and dismisses my ridiculous haircut as 'boys being boys'. Really, I was never an athlete. I played high school football, and there was this one time that we almost got to state, but we didn't. Actually, by "athlete" I mean I was the offensive lineman on the field goal unit in high school. Don't give it up to me, because I won't call."
-It should be noted, that the essence of this statement is that "Retired Athlete" is equated to "Tool." However, we cannot reduce this statement to "Tool" because that would be another t-shirt altogether-that being of the dark-claymation-alluding-to-death-band Tool. We need to avoid this confusion.

"Bitch" should be changed to "The reason I'm not making you wear a condom is because I have an STD and significant issues with men and want to pass this STD to you so it burns when you piss."

In summation, this is only a start to this all important campaign. Do your part, and tell these people that their T-shirts suck and that they portray them in poor light. An alternative to completely explaining these individual terms is replacing them with completely graphic and uncalled for single or short phrases. I would laugh if someone sported a shirt saying something completely outrageous such as "HPV." That'd be kind of funny.

Lyric
"Check out the introvert in the corner with the rip in her skirt. Stomach pains so she grippin' her shirt. Ain't never had dinner so she know she ain't gettin dessert. Don't tell me it's her mission to hurt."
The Coup, socialist rappers, Heaven Tonight