"You Looked Stressed"

Last night I went out to dinner with Krista. My day started at 7am, woke up, worked till 415, came home, changed, ran to the museums and back, showered, got ready, went to dinner, ate with Krista, had a drink at Lizzie O'Neils, saw her off, studied for a couple hours, did laundry, she came over.

The funny thing is that she said "you looked stressed" when I saw her. I was stressed, it's been a fucking long summer. But I'm rarely stressed when I'm with her. She helps me forget about all the other stuff, for at least a little while, which is an absolute blesssing. I can't begin to say how grateful I am for that.

So when I woke up this morning, I took a shower, washed the sleep out of my eyes, went to brush my teeth and looked in the mirror. Man I look old. I feel like I look like in the past two months I've taken up smoking 2 packs a day and washing each cigarette down with a shot of Jack. I mean, my complexion has gone from decent to old-manish in just a little while. My face looks a little gaunt, I'm not gonna lie. I haven't been outside all that much, so I don't have much of a tan. My hair is too long, and I shave a helluva lot less than normal. I need to get this overwith so I can return to my youthful self. The 5 hours (average) of sleep I get a night is not cutting it. The staring at a computer screen 6 or 7 hours a night isn't helping. The 40-50 hours a week at a deadend job certainly aren't helping. Man I can't wait for school to start.

"I don't feel like dancing."
The Comas Dirty South-only because I'm on my way there.

Need This

I've been good. I've never really cheated on anyone. I've never stolen anything that I can think of. I rarely try and hurt someone on purpose and when I do, I feel so bad that I'm apologizing for weeks. I'm kind to my fellow man. When there's work to be done, I do it. When there's tears to be shed, I'm there as a shoulder. When somebody needs a hand, I offer it.

This summer I haven't drank very much. I haven't borrowed much money from the parents. I haven't gone on vacation. I haven't spent much money. I've lived frugally. I've busted my ass at work despite the fact that the job isn't very challenging and only pays $8.50. I've been nice to my coworkers. I've hid the fact that I'm in law school as best as I can because I think it makes people come off as an ass. I've done everything. I've studied, I did my best to try and write on to law review, I've applied for jobs, I've done loan things, I've got in better shape. I haven't volunteered, but I don't think there's an hour in the day where I could have.

Sure, I mess up. Occasionally I drink too much and do something stupid. Once in a while I say something horrible. Once in a while I think something mean-spirited. But still, throw me a bone.

I need to pass this test on Wednesday, and I really don't think I'm going to. I feel like I've put in the hours and it's just not working. I'm just not doing well. I need to improve big time in the next week. I don't think anything has intimidated me as much as this. So yeah, I'm screwed. I could use some help. I could use a job, I could use an offer to be on law review to boost the confidence, and I could definetly use some lucky guesses on Wednesday. I would greatly appreciate your assistance in these matters. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Evan

Lyric: "The world is a hundred to one again." Sufjan Stevens

P.S. I'll make that lame promise that I'll go to church every week for, oh, the first six weeks of school, because after that I know I'll just disappoint.

Things to Remember if You're Ever Rich

• That the person waiting on you, or helping you with your groceries, or cooking your meal may be a lot smarter than you are.
• Don't ever talk to people like they're less intelligent than you are. Otherwise you'll end up like the present state of the Democratic Party.
• Remember that you can make about 30 times the amount of tapenade you just bought for roughly the same price as that little jar.
• If anyone ever calls, emails, or interviews with you about getting a job, make sure you email them back. Even if it just says "sorry, we hired someone else." That way they don't hang in fucking limbo for weeks at a time.
• The days you were not only mentally exhausted, but also physically exhausted. Oh yeah, and also broke. That too.
• That you have people that loved you when you were poor, stressed out, and acting like an ass.
• Don't take a cab everywhere. Set some sort of limit. For example: when it's raining, when the bus is no longer running, when it's 85 degrees or higher, when you're running late, and when you're dressed up and don't want to get dissheveled on the public transit.
• Simple things: Cold cheap beer, a chilled out night of pool, and discussions about oh, maybe sex, drugs, rock and roll, football. As opposed to: Bombay Sapphire gin and tonics, nights that begin at an expensive restaurant and end $300 later, and discussions about whose firm has better perks than whose.
• That you could be 35, working two jobs, raising two kids, and still paying rent.
• When a pair of $95 running shoes was busting the bank.
• Dinners of eggs and a bagel.
• Walking the mile and half to school because you didn't have cash for the bus. You weren't completely broke-you could've taken out a twenty and gotten change. But if you had done that, you know that $20 would have disappeared like you never had it.
• When you debated for a week about dropping $450 on a suit.
• That you are not a good person because of how smart you are, or because of what firm you work for, or because of what case you win, or because of what department you're in, or because of what school you go to, or because of how much money you make.
• Debating whether you could afford that delicious $0.99 Potbelly Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookie. You could.
• That at the end of the day, if you've got you're health, a little bit of spending money, at least one person that loves you, and a roof over your head, you are better off than most people in this world.
• That success is based largely on luck. Don't get me wrong, there's some skill and hardwork involved. But there's also luck.
• Relax, because in the end, it's not worth worrying about.

"Beneath the cigarettes and sugar shit of alcohol brand, I can taste the ocean on your tongue, Remember when we sat on the sidewalk, of your, boat dock, against the wall, under the stars, talking about love's meaning? Well, I wasn't dreaming."

TV on the Radio Playhouses (Sensing a theme?)