Things work out

So the weekend was a wash in terms of productivity. Got next to nothing done and felt like the past two days I would've been better off sleeping. At least if I had done that I'd be caught up on sleep. No such luck. She did call though, and I feel much better about things, and for that am grateful. Sometimes things that could've been a real disaster turn out much less consequential than you'd ever imagine.
I went back and read some of my past posts-mainly the first couple. The early ones reminded me of how much I used to fear failure. I used to fear failing my friends, family, myself. That fear was my motivating factor in almost everything-my studies, how hard I worked, how I treated people-everything really. I think the fact that fear was a motivation made me really miserable. Fear of failure has a horrible drawback-you fail, we all do. I've failed in relationships, school, friendships, managing, Friday night rushes, and the list could go on. Failure is inevitable and when I failed, I took it to heart way too much. My motivation should never have come from a fear of failure. Anything would've been a healthier motivating factor in life. Right now I don't have that fear-at least not as a motivating factor in my life. I love what I do, I love the city and I really like the people (you can love a city, love your work but I'm not saying I love anyone until I'm in love again). It sounds cheezy but my motivation is the work I'm doing, the challenges I'm facing, the success I'm having and the vast amount of knowledge I'm learning. Those motivating factors feal so genuine when you compare them to fear as a motivating factor. I don't feel like I need to have the high powered $2600 Kirkland and Ellis summer associateship to be happy. As long as I land a decent job that allows me to pay my student loans, buy and apartment, and maybe a Passat I'll be fine. That being said, most of the firms in this town I like are high powered, high stress, high pay places but I'm confident I'll find something I really like. If I love what I do, I'm gonna be damn good at it, and if I'm good at it the money will come. I meet these people who are so obsessed with getting these ridiculous jobs, that hate school, that are in it so they can afford fucking theatre tickets, dinner at Gibson's and five star hotels. I wanna shake them. The plays and dinners and hotel rooms aren't going to make up for the fact that you work at a firm 80 hours a week doing work you can't stand. Their motivation is in the wrong place and I understand that mentality so much because mine was in the wrong place for a long time. It's back where it should be-wanting to do something because I like to do it, not because I fear what might happen if I don't. So kids, new #1 fear: Not finding someone to settle down with and love, ever.
Lyric of the Day
"Sensitive thugs, y'all all need hugs."
-Jay-Z Heart of the City