I Can Never Go To Sleep

No matter how long my day is, I can't make myself go to sleep. No matter how stressed I am, no matter how bleary my eyes are, no matter how bad I hurt from working out, I can't make myself go to sleep. I can be so exhausted that I can't sleep-it happens all the time. I have things running through my head all day, and when the head hits the pillow, I can't shut them off.

Still, there's something that has always been alluring about the night for me. The dark used to be scary-now it's comforting. It hides our flaws. The night is associated with fear in our early years- now it's associated with fun. The night can be as quiet as you want it to be. The night can be as loud as you want it to be. You can be alone at night or you can be surrounded, shoulder to shoulder, with sweaty drunk people. There's just something inherently more attractive to me about the night and the darkness. Daylight is so unforgiving. We have people to answer to during the day, we have errands to run, we have a life to live. The night can be different. There are so many options.

I remember that one of my favorite times, one of the memories I'll remember from back home forever is getting out of the restaurant really late. Not like 1am or 2am late, but more like 4 or 5am late. Sometimes it was because there was a lot of work to do, sometimes the accounting at the end of the night was a disaster. Other times we were just taking advantage of working at a place with a surplus of alcohol and really cool people. Regardless of the reason, walking out of that place-the walk from the door to the car-amazing. I don't know why. It's one of those things that you can't put your finger on. You can't figure out why you like it. Those nights were like that girl that had nothing special about her, wasn't that attractive-but still drove you wild. There was no rhyme or reason, I just liked it. Maybe it was because of the polarity of the atmospheres. You walk out of a restaurant-a hustling, bustling, people filled, sound filled, anger and tension filled place. You enter the night. No one is around. No one is awake. Things are still. The restaurant was hot and smelled of food and cleaning supplies. The night is cool and smelled of whatever the season was. You have a short drive that can be filled with silence and your thoughts or it can be filled with the sounds of the band or album of the moment.

I think I miss those nights because when the door to the restaurant closed, there was some finality. Work, at least for the day, was done. All that was left was getting home safe. Restaurant work isn't glorious, but there's certainly a sense of accomplishment when you're done. Now, well now there's no finality. The work doesn't end. The door doesn't close. The sense of accomplishment is so damn far away. It drives you, it pushes you, but there's never closure, never finality. It just keeps going. The door will close eventually, the relief will come, the accomplishment will be worlds more satisfying than it was at the end of those nights-but still, a door close and a cool night every once in a while would be nice.

Lyrics:
"Thunderous sparks from the dark of the stadiums
The music and medicine you needed for comforting."
-Neutral Milk Hotel Oh Comely-sometimes when I listen to this album, I can't believe a band this good could have Athens connections.