Surprise Party

Today was my birthday. I'm not a huge fan of birthdays, especially not my own. Sure there are birthdays that are really important-16, 18, 21-but outside of that birthdays don't really have a whole lot of meaning. They're basically just another day. Perhaps we get a cake out of it. Maybe some clothes from the parents, a few cards, lunch or dinner if you're lucky. But really, it's another day. You can't do anything at 23 that you couldn't do at 22. After 21, all you have to look forward to is 25. At 25 you can rent a car through a major rental car company without paying a huge surcharge. That's gonna be amazing. I'm so fucking excited.

But today, despite all the terrible surrounding circumstances, was great. It rained today. All day. I studied today. All day. There was really nothing good that could come of today. Lunch consisted of a muffin and Diet Coke at the Barnes and Noble Cafe. Around 5:45 PM, my friend (and, on a side note, my ex something or other) Jessica came and got me to take me out to dinner. An IM from my friend Phil led us to the student lounge to meet and figure out where to go before venturing out into the rain. Come to find out, a surprise party had been planned. It was the first surprise party I had ever had and I was shocked. Walking up to the lounge, I was oblivious to the streamers hanging over the corridor leading to the room, and didn't realize the surprise until I saw 10 or so of my closest friends. It sounds lame, but I was incredibly touched by the whole thing. The surpise party didn't consist of booze or music or debauchery or a late night or anything crazy really-just balloons, cupcakes, pizza, and "ES" in Starburst, streamers, and Justice League napkins and party hats. In light of the approaching doom that is finals, it could not have been a better party.

Some nights, when I sit here typing some garbage about how miserable, down, or frustrated I am from this adventure that is law school, I lose sight of some of the most important things. I lose sight of the fact that I'm surrounded by people I've known less than a year that I'd do almost anything for. I lose sight of the fact that, despite the abundance of drama, drunkeness and....drama, we've remainded strong friends. I hope we'll be friends for years to come. There's only a handful of people-maybe 6-that I've stayed strong friends with despite drama and geographic relocations. The drama and the madness rooted in those relationships is what has made those friendships stay true and last through everything. It sounds like some sports or war cliche-but my closest friends and I have usually gone through hell together. Whether that hell has been a fucked up alcoholic-filled apartment above a bar, a restaurant filled with drugs and alcohol, or a law school filled with anxiety, competition and stress doesn't really matter. Life is about the hell you go through and the people you go through it with. Life's about what and who is on the other side of those tough times. Life's about whose either catching you when you fail or celebrating with you when you succeed. And I know I'm gonna need both. Without the tough times, the people don't become who they are to you. Without the hell, the surprise party wouldn't have the same uplifting effect. It'd bring a smile, but it wouldn't bring a huge, goofy "thank god I'm doing something that's not Constitutional law and thank god I have some friends" smile. I'm sure there's some cheezy line about that a more eloquent writer could pull off here, but I'm incapable of doing so. But let's just say it was a pretty great hour. Let's just say it meant more than I can probably explain. Let's just say it's been a tough month or so and that it made everything better. And let's just say, as a final thought on the night, that I really really like my friends.

Lyrics
"Let the golden oldies station crackle and come through
With the final benediction, we'll hum along to
Before we say goodnight."
-The Weakerthans Psalm for the Elks Lodge Last Call

AHH

• I want to dive into a lake or river with really paralyzingly cold water. Preferably that river my brother and I jumped into in Glacier National.
• I want to lift weights until my arms get that numb feeling.
• I want to run until my lungs burn. I want to run until I feel like throwing up.
• I want to yell at someone.
• I want to punch a wall.
• I want to tell the people that shake their cups asking for change: "Why the fuck would I give someone who annoys the living shit out of me money FOR annoying the living shit out of me!"
• I just want to get mad at something, and I want to express it, and I don't want to have to hold it in.

All this stone cold sober. I fucking hate this shit so much. I get this anxious feeling like 3 or 4 times a year where I just want to crawl out of my skin and yell, or rage on something. I just want some physical feeling, some physical expression. Something besides the usual nod and fucking smile all goddamn day long. I don't want to hear about anyone's jobs, I don't want to hear about anyone's interviews, or anyone's outlines. Well, there are a few select okay people I don't mind studying with, so don't be offended. But seriously, I think if I have to see some of these people in my section one more damn day I'm gonna flip. The point where people's incompetence was cute and funny has turned into being painfully annoying and just unacceptable. Hearing people's liberal political opinion makes me HATE MY POLITICAL VIEWS!!! I want the people in my class to realize that they are not Jon Stewart and the wiseass remarks they make about the President or about politics are incredibly unoriginal.

Had to get that all out. Sorry.

At the End of the Day

Why worry? At the end of the day, all there is to worry about is whether you've got some friends or family to sit and shoot the shit with. Or, if you're me, sit and talk shit with. All you should worry about is whether there are people in your life that you can call to talk to. You should worry about whether you've got some friends to go get Mexican with, or grill some burgers. Sure, the next month is gonna suck. But at the end of the semester, I'm going to have a bunch of people to go drink ritas with, grill steaks with, drink corona's with. People to go the Cubs games with, people to hang out with on days off. The summer is coming, and it's going to be fantastic. Finals are coming, and they are going to suck.

This year I met some great people. I made some great friends. I drank some great beer. I drank too much great beer a number of times. I pissed people off. I won over a few people. I made some mistakes, I made some people happy. Regardless, it was fun. It will continue to be fun. Here's to the summer. Fuck finals. Because in 5 years, no one is going to know what you made in goddamn Property. Let's get this over with and move on to some fun times.

Lyrics:
"The universe is shaped exactly like the earth,
If you go a straight line you'll end up where you were."
Modest Mouse 3rd Planet: Informing us to never go in a straight line.

More things I don't Understand

This is me and some friends. For some reason, half my photos in law school tend to be with people with their mouths open. I don't understand why. It may have something to do with the heavy drinking. In this photo, I believe we're going on perhaps hour 9 or 10 of. I like this photo though, I don't really know why though, it's a little ridiculous.

• When did it become acceptable for a 6'3" 225 pound man to carry one book and a laptop in a bag with wheels. Are you going to the fucking airport? Is that a carry on? Am i mistaken, because i thought we were on a bus, not a 737. Is this really necessary, wear a fucking backpack!
• Why people wear suits with a solid color dress shirt and a tie that is the SAME COLOR AS THE SHIRT!!! A tie is supposed to accent-even i know that. You are not a bouncer. You are not Italian. You are not a gangster. You look like a fucking tool. This is Chicago, not a shithole club on the Jersey shore.
• Another fashion one: Why do people wear navy blue blazers with khaki's? I haven't seen someone pull this off since Prince William.
• Why I sometimes start, and continue conversations about things I know the person I'm speaking to could care less about. For example, talking to anyone not in law school, about law school. Terrible idea. Talking to people, almost anyone really, about the music I like. Why do I continue to do this. I get these great responses. Ex: ME: "Did you hear Scott McClellan resigned?" THEM: "Whose, Scott McClellan?" ME: "The White House Press Secretary." THEM: "Oh....no I didn't hear he resigned." ME: "Yeah, major shakeup, who do you think will be next?" THEM: "Honestly, I have no idea, I haven't had the chance to watch the news in a while." ME: "You homeless people are terrible conversationalists."
• Substantive Due Process.
• Why a certain someone talks so slow.
• Long division.
• Hate mail. Hate mail has to be the most counter-productive of all human practices. I much prefer "constructive criticism mail"
• Everyday I get a Starbucks Americano. Espresso and water. Sometimes, I'll put a sugar in it if I'm feeling really sassy. A few days ago, I'm at the "bar" waiting for my Americano, and I hear the person in line place an order. Something to the following effect: "I would like a large mocha chip frappucino with extra caramel on the bottom and some on top of the whip cream. Also, is there anyway I can get a side of whip cream?" Without looking, I figured it was a little kid. Turned-not a little kid. In fact, nothing little about this person. Very very large woman. Does she not get it? Like does she not get the connection, or has she just given up?
• That's all. I get everything else really well, and it comes painfully easy.

Today, Today went well

There were three very critical things today that could have gone very well or could have gone very poorly. These were high stress, high anxiety things that have been weighing heavily on my mind for a long time. Today was the culmination of all the stress and all the anxiety. Had they all gone poorly, I would not have been a happy camper. It would mean that A) I was dying B) I didn't have any classes and C) I don't have any job opportunities for the summer. Fortunately, they went the opposite way: A) I'm not dying B) I have all the classes I could possibly want and C) I have at least an opportunity at getting a quality job for the summer.

To top things off, the forecast called for rain and it was 65 and sunny. I got all the necessary reading done, got a work out in, and even watched a little TV. The is a meaningless, terribly uncreative entry, but I'm writing it anyways. Because at the end of the year, when I go back and trace my steps from having no clue about Chicago, having no friends, having nowhere to be on Friday nights and not having a goddamn idea what law school involved, I want to remember days like today. Days that could've gone really badly and didn't. Days where at the end, I was physically, psychologically, and mentally exhausted, but still happy.

My roommate asked me a question twice today. Upon the second inquiry she said "did i just ask you that?" I was like "uh, yeah." And she apologized for not listening. Not a problem, I'm in the same boat, delirious, just like everyone else that has finals in 2 weeks. I'm exhausted, to the point of being socially inept. But damn, it's going to be quality sleep.

Lyric:
"Don't be so easy on yourself,
Cause this one might be all that you have left
Rearrange the voices in your head
And remember what they said
'don't be so easy on yourself'"
Drive-By Truckers Easy on Yourself

Post Rain

I love that feeling in the air right after it rains. I'm not sure if I associate rain with Spring, or with thunderstorms rolling through Georgia on lazy afternoons or what, but there's a distinct feeling I get after it rains. Especially when the temperature drops significantly. I love it when a hot muggy day has become cool and breezy after some dark clouds and little lightning comes through town. I like it when a day goes from hot and hazy, to stormy and electric, and then to cool and calm.

It just stormed pretty badly here in Chicago. The view over the lake was pretty amazing. The waves kicked up like I was living on an ocean, rather than a Great Lake. The rain slowed traffic on Lake Shore Drive and pedestrians hid under awnings on Ohio St. Our windows were open and a pretty great breeze filled the apartment. It was nice to get a little fresh air flow through the apartment.

Fresh air is funny. If you think about it, fresh air is considered both a physical and mental cure for just about anything. Feeling a little sick, little under the weather, or maybe nauseous? Go get some fresh air. Feeling a little confused, frustrated, or pissed off? Go take a walk, get some fresh air. I like fresh air. I don't think it's a cure for anything, I think it's just kind of cleansing. It lets you clear your head of all your fake or silly problems that make you confused, frustrated, or pissed off. It just serves to remind you that your problems, unlike many people's, can be remedied with a long walk or jog. Your problems can be figured out with a little time to clear your head. So today, I don't have time for a long walk or jog. No time to go play in the park, so some open windows and a breeze of the Lake will have to do. Still, it's a pretty damn good substitute.

Lyrics:
"And if you should lose me
You will track me down...again
Before the summer ends"
Badly Drawn Boy Magic in the Air

Smells

So they say that the sense most closely connected to memory is one's sense of smell. I don't know if that's true-I'm not really sure how you're supposed to test something like that. It seems a little dumb to me. What am I supposed to do, smell something different for each rule of law and case name so I can remember it? Dumb study, but still there's got to be something to it.

• Today the elevator smelled like a middle school lunch room. I was reminded of how much middle school sucked.
• In the south loop there is a cocoa roaster. At certain times of the day, the southwest 4 blocks of the loop smell like chocolate. It's weird, because generally city smells are not pleasent ones. When you first smell the chocolate, you're not really that sure what it is, so it's kind of gross. When I found out it was chocolate, my opinion of the smell changed. It doesn't remind me of anything though.
• I walked by this girl once who must've been wearing the same perfume or lotion or something that an ex used to wear. Hell, for all I know it was the type of detergent she used. It's funny, I never really noticed it on her. I guess smelling it everyday makes you stop noticing it eventually. It was weird to smell it on someone else though, especially after so many years. It made some sort of really bizarre instant connection/attraction/good/bad memory association with this person I had never met.
• Lime. Gin. Tonic. Summer.
• Sunblock-i think that's universal.
• Charcoal and lighter fluid.
• Not cigarette smoke at the bar, but the smell of it on your jacket the next morning.
• Big Red
• Onions and celery sauteeing in any recipe. I think it might be from a stew my mom used to make.
• Not sure if it's just anticipation of the taste, but grill cheese and tomato soup cooking at the same time have a distinct scent.

That's it. Feel free to post your own. I'm sure there's a million more things I can't remember. So much for that scent memory connection.

Lyrics: "Here's a toast to now" Broken Social Scene "Windsurfing Nation"

The Braves

Just for the record, if the Braves can get any, and I mean any pitching this year, they're going to be the best team in the National League. They have ridiculous offense. All those rookies have had a full spring training and have a year under their belt. Andrew and Chipper are always going to be good. If Francouer can take a pitch every once in a while, he'll turn around his .053 batting average. Giles should stay healthy, and might be one of the best hustlers in the majors.

Pitching: If anyone can do anything for the Braves, we'll be good to go. If we can get an 18 game winner, or a couple of 14 or 15 game winners, we'll be money. We need a closer, but at the rate we're going, the offense is only going to need about 6 innings of quality innings. Mazzone is gone, so we could struggle. I think though, that Davies is a wild card, and he'll probably struggle early-but when that kids on, he's unbeatable. Smoltz is Smoltz-good for 15 wins at least. Finally baseball is here. And a shout out to Tim: the Sandiego Padres, Cincinatti Reds, and the New York Yankees, well, they all suck. Sorry dude, your hometown teams aren't taking home anything this year.

Bill O'Reilly and other 24 Hour News Characters

I don't think that many intelligent people would disagree that Bill O'Reilly is a diplorable human being. Currently, I'm watching the O'Reilly Factor and he's knocking hilary Clinton for invoking Jesus in the immigration debate. He edited her clip very very well. She did use "Jesus" but what she was essentially saying, if anyone actually listened to her entire point, was that the new immigration bill would criminalize the activity of priests and religious leaders when they aid these "criminals." She was basically saying that she did not want to criminalize the actions of religious leaders. That's it.

Enter Bill O'Reilly who calls her a "dispicable human being" for invoking Jesus in this debate. I believe he said something along the lines of "what about Jesus in the partial birth abortion debate?" I really wanted the theologian he had on for the sole purposes of agreeing with him to say "well Bill, where was Jesus when you were phone-fucking an intern?" This guy pans Hilary Clinton for the mere mention of Jesus Christ in what was probably a decent point, yet he does one interview about his immoralities and states very simply "I will never speak of this again." Fuck that. The worst thing is that O'Reilly is much smarter than this. He know he's a piece of shit, and he tries to be even more of a piece of shit so that assholes like me will watch his show just to hate him. He's the Howard Stern of the News. I can see little old ladies in all corners of the country getting behind Mr. O'Reilly. I can see middle aged republicans shaking their fists. Where were the people when this married man was having phone sex with an intern? I don't think Hillary, or Bill for that matter, are perfect, but when Ms. Clinton's morals and use of Jesus are being attacked by this dirtbag, I have problems. This guy blows. And I read the taped conversations-he's not even that creative with the phone sex. I mean if you're gonna go, go all out. The best you can come up with is a loofa, which later, when the conversation gets really hot, you mistakenly call a falafel? That's it? Shit, the falafel would be more exciting than a night with Bill O'Reilly. I do love Middle Eastern food. And I do hate Bill O'Reilly. And I am straight, so yeah, I'll take the falafel.

Bill O'Reilly...terrible human being.

But perhaps worse is...........Nancy GRACE!!!! This woman, she fakes cries every single time someone calls in and is like "Nancy, i just love you're show, you're great." This woman gets choked up everytime this happens?! Nancy, drop the fake fucking southern accent. Cut the shit. One time, one of her colleagues was discussing a prosecutor of a particular crime and said that "if anyone can get the win, she can." Nancy blows the fuck up. Sir, never say a prosecutor is trying to get a win. The prosecutor is seeking justice, blah blah blah. They aren't seeking justice. If they are prosecuting the person, they are now trying to get the win. In the end they want justice, but once the prosecution has begun, the prosecutor now believes that the person did it and they want to win the case. Don't spout this "justice" shit. Doing things out of "justice" doesn't make any analytical sense in law school, doesn't make much fucking sense when you spout it on MSNBC.

I Can Never Go To Sleep

No matter how long my day is, I can't make myself go to sleep. No matter how stressed I am, no matter how bleary my eyes are, no matter how bad I hurt from working out, I can't make myself go to sleep. I can be so exhausted that I can't sleep-it happens all the time. I have things running through my head all day, and when the head hits the pillow, I can't shut them off.

Still, there's something that has always been alluring about the night for me. The dark used to be scary-now it's comforting. It hides our flaws. The night is associated with fear in our early years- now it's associated with fun. The night can be as quiet as you want it to be. The night can be as loud as you want it to be. You can be alone at night or you can be surrounded, shoulder to shoulder, with sweaty drunk people. There's just something inherently more attractive to me about the night and the darkness. Daylight is so unforgiving. We have people to answer to during the day, we have errands to run, we have a life to live. The night can be different. There are so many options.

I remember that one of my favorite times, one of the memories I'll remember from back home forever is getting out of the restaurant really late. Not like 1am or 2am late, but more like 4 or 5am late. Sometimes it was because there was a lot of work to do, sometimes the accounting at the end of the night was a disaster. Other times we were just taking advantage of working at a place with a surplus of alcohol and really cool people. Regardless of the reason, walking out of that place-the walk from the door to the car-amazing. I don't know why. It's one of those things that you can't put your finger on. You can't figure out why you like it. Those nights were like that girl that had nothing special about her, wasn't that attractive-but still drove you wild. There was no rhyme or reason, I just liked it. Maybe it was because of the polarity of the atmospheres. You walk out of a restaurant-a hustling, bustling, people filled, sound filled, anger and tension filled place. You enter the night. No one is around. No one is awake. Things are still. The restaurant was hot and smelled of food and cleaning supplies. The night is cool and smelled of whatever the season was. You have a short drive that can be filled with silence and your thoughts or it can be filled with the sounds of the band or album of the moment.

I think I miss those nights because when the door to the restaurant closed, there was some finality. Work, at least for the day, was done. All that was left was getting home safe. Restaurant work isn't glorious, but there's certainly a sense of accomplishment when you're done. Now, well now there's no finality. The work doesn't end. The door doesn't close. The sense of accomplishment is so damn far away. It drives you, it pushes you, but there's never closure, never finality. It just keeps going. The door will close eventually, the relief will come, the accomplishment will be worlds more satisfying than it was at the end of those nights-but still, a door close and a cool night every once in a while would be nice.

Lyrics:
"Thunderous sparks from the dark of the stadiums
The music and medicine you needed for comforting."
-Neutral Milk Hotel Oh Comely-sometimes when I listen to this album, I can't believe a band this good could have Athens connections.

6 Goals

I have six goals for the following 6 weeks. I'm not going to say what they are, because they are pretty lame and I'm pretty sure I won't meet at least 3 of the six. I'm not normally goal oriented. Things tend to fall in my lap. My successes have, primarily, been the result of pure luck and some limited natural ability. When I look back on the good things I've done, the achievements I've obtained, it's like looking back at a series of mediocrities. Didn't work that hard for that one, coulda done better on this one. We'll see what happens when I become a slave to the casebooks. The next six weeks are goal driven. It's all I can do to stay focused, and remember that if I can meet 5 of the 6, I'll be so fucking money. That impending doom thing hasn't happened yet. I'm pretty sure it will by Sunday though.

This blog is becoming increasingly boring. Some day, I'll be able to concentrate on creativity, but for now it's takings, free speech, copyright and patent briefs, anticipatory breach, accomplice liability.

Impending Doom

I have this overwhelming feeling that something bad is about to happen. It's very weird, and is probably going to keep me awake all night. This is evidence that, if something does, I called it. Also, I am fully aware that this is terrible terrible karma. But thankfully, I don't believe in karma.

Goodnight.

Good Night World

The next six weeks will consist primarily of studying, outlining, writing, job searching, caffeine overdosing, appointment making, class scheduling, apartment hunting, meaning of life seeking, true calling realizing, panic inducing final taking, life altering decision making, eye destroying reading, spirit crushing competition and all-in-all misery. It's gonna suck. It's going to be worse than last semester because I've become more competitive. I have more goals for myself. I've realized that my performance on last years finals were no where near up to the performance I'm capable of, and I still did well. So this semester, there is no excuse. I've got two outlines almost complete, plenty of time to do countless practice questions so I don't choke like I did last semester. This particular entry is for no one but myself. I just had to state and understand what the next couple weeks will be like. I have to prepare in my head tonight, because tommorrow it begins. Tommorrow we start focusing on the task at hand. Tonight, I will allow myself to worry. But after tonight, there is no more worrying, just work. Put your proverbial nose to the proverbial grindstone. For a long time. Quiet is the new loud.
Lyric:
"Be what you will
And then throw down your life
Oh it's a damned fine game
And we can play all night."
TV on the Radio Staring at the Sun-i think the only band not playing Chicago this summer...yet.